


as long as i can't see it in your eyes

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-11
Updated: 2007-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-06 09:40:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8745217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: I'm terrible at summaries! Dean gives, Sammy takes...angst ensues!





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes: Song is "Lay Me Down" by The Wreckers and nothing is mine of course...because I would not be here writing stories, I would be watching them. :-P  


* * *

_You let me in_

_'Cause after all_

_It seemed like the right thing to do_

 

It had seemed so right at first. But fuck, it wasn’t. It was wrong. And illegal in every state Dean could think of.

 

Incest.

 

Worse than that it was rape. It didn’t matter that Sam had begged for it, had thrust his body desperately into Dean’s. It was rape. Pure and simple.

 

He was twelve. Dean was sixteen.

 

Who should have been in control? Who should have known better?

 

Well it certainly wasn’t Sam.

 

If dad ever found out, the perfect little soldier that he’d once been would be nothing more than a disappointment.

 

_I closed my eyes_

 

Sam knew Dean wasn’t sure about this, was afraid and worried about him like always. But he wanted this, needed it so badly he could practically hear his body vibrate every time Dean came even close to him.

 

So he pushed.

 

Because he knew, like everything else, Dean would give. He would give him what he wanted without question or argument. He would just give, like the perfect little soldier, like the perfect big brother he was.

 

And Sam would take like always. The guilt and disgust he felt when he saw how much Dean gave him and how little he gave back, pushed far, far back into his mind as he thrust his hips up.

 

_And let you fall_

 

Dean would forgive him. Would never blame him for this fall from perfection, this failure. It would be Dean’s failure and not Sammy’s.

 

He would push Sam away later; keep as much distance between them as possible, and Sam would wonder if this was worse than taking the blame. Because then at least his brother wouldn’t feel such guilt and they could do what they both wanted. Or what Sam needed and hoped Dean wanted.

 

_I wonder what you could possibly know_

 

Dean stared down at Sam, his red rimmed and puffy eyes now glazed over with pleasure and love. The pain and confusion that had driven him into his older brother’s arms quickly fading.

 

He woke up most nights, shaking and scared but always stubborn and defiant. Refusing most comfort Dean offered. Only daring to accept his gentle stroking or a strong arm thrown over him to hold him close and keep the nightmares away.

 

Then sometimes, like tonight, and that night, things just got to be too much. And he broke down completely. In front of Dean only. Sam would never lose so much dignity by breaking down in front of anyone else.

 

_About breaking down that I don't_

 

That was just their relationship. Sam trusted in Dean enough to let himself fall apart when things became too much. And as much as Dean wanted to do that with Sammy, he couldn’t. He was the older brother. He had to be strong.

 

No matter what Sam thought.

 

_It's been awhile ****_

__

_**“Sam, Sam, it’s okay,” Dean whispered into the dark next to him. His weight suddenly added to the bed beside him. Reassuring him.** _

__

_**“Dean,” he croaked, clenching his fists tightly at his side to keep from reaching out for him. He tried to keep that distance between them as much as possible.** _

__

_**He was afraid of breaking down and letting his guard drop. Normally he could tell Dean anything and know that he loved him no matter what, would always protect him. But this, this was something so sick and twisted not even Dean could forgive his Sammy for.** _

__

_**But Dean took that decision from him. He crawled further onto the bed, settling himself behind Sam and taking him by the shoulders to gently pull him to his chest. It was one of those nights where Dean took all control out of Sam’s hands. And refused to let him suffer alone.** _

__

_**Sighing he leaned back and let his brother’s warmth envelope him. The hard line of his body softening with his relaxed state. The only time Dean ever relaxed was when he had Sam in his arms. That was something Sam loved.** _

__

_**It made him feel good to know that he could give his older brother something, even if it was as small as a few minutes of peace.** _

__

_**“I got you Sammy,” Dean whispered against the top of Sam’s head. His hands moving soothingly up and down his sides. It was the only thing he knew to do for Sam. To touch and hold him like his mother had the few times he’d woken up in the middle of the night with nightmares of his own.** _

__

_**Nightmares of what at one time he’d thought never existed. Nightmares he knew couldn’t even compare to Sam’s. But what else could he do? Tell him to suck it up?** _

__

_**Not his Sammy.** _

__

_**Not ever.** _

__

_**Sam shifted on the bed, grinding back against Dean’s cock. He felt it give a slight twitch, leaving confusion in it’s wake. He pushed it to the back of his mind, assuring himself it was just his overactive hormones. He was after all a teenage boy.** _

__

_**But Sam shifted again, grinding harder against his cock. It was like he was deliberately torturing Dean, grinding harder and faster as if desperate for his own release.** _

__

_**But that was crazy, this was Sammy.** _

__

_**His baby brother.** _

__

_**He was only twelve.** _

__

_**He wasn’t thinking about what he was doing to Dean, only of getting comfortable and wrapped up in the only safety he knew. Sweet, innocent Sammy would never think of his older brother the same way Dean was thinking of him.** _

__

_**A wave of nausea hit him full force as his cock began to harden. This was insane, what the fuck was wrong with him? This was Sammy for fucks sake! He needed to stop this, to push these thoughts and images as far from his mind as possible.** _

__

_**He knew he was in trouble when he saw Sam’s hips lift off the mattress, his sick imagination taking full advantage of that small movement. No, he screamed at himself, stop thinking about that! Stop thinking about any of this!** _

__

_**Sam glanced over his shoulder, letting Dean see his face for the first time that night. His eyes were puffy and red; his cheeks tear stained, jaw trembling. He stared up at Dean in fear and confusion. Why had his brother stopped touching him?** _

__

_**He hadn’t meant to move around so much, but he was beginning to get uncomfortable with Dean so close. His pajama bottoms quickly becoming too tight. He was afraid that when he’d lifted his hips up Dean had taken notice and that was why he was suddenly still and silent.** _

__

_**His face showed the fear and uncertainty at being rejected and it shattered Dean’s heart. It wasn’t fair to Sam to let these weird thoughts and feelings keep him from comforting his younger brother when he needed it the most.** _

__

_**Sam tilted his face down, hiding his eyes from Dean again. But Dean couldn’t have that. He lifted a hand from Sam’s side and placed it under his chin, lifting Sam’s face up to his.** _

__

_**“Sammy?” he asked softly, his thumb taking up a slow pattern across Sam’s cheek and jaw.** _

__

_**Sam’s breath hitched as Dean’s thumb brushed lightly against his bottom lip, going straight to his already throbbing groin. God, why did he have to have these thoughts about Dean? Why did he have to fixate so much on his older brother and his body, his touch?** _

__

_**It wasn’t normal. It was sick and it would ruin everything between them. Push away the one person he could trust and count on in his life. The only person he would ever need.** _

__

_**Dean frowned. “Are you okay?”** _

__

_**He wanted to say more, ask about his dream or what he could do to make things better, but he wasn’t sure Sam was ready to talk about it or if he even knew what Dean had to do to make things better.** _

__

_**Sam bit down on his lower lip and nodded. He didn’t trust himself to speak right now, the throbbing between his legs destroying any and every brain cell he had with each passing minute.** _

__

_**“Sammy-“** _

__

_**“Please,” he begged. He couldn’t take Dean’s voice on top of everything else, or the soft words that held more meaning than his brother would ever say out loud.** _

__

_**Dean closed his mouth and nodded, still frowning as he tightened his hold on Sam. He hated it when he did that. Sam wasn’t the emotionally stunted one, so why was he always shutting down on Dean? Or at least that’s the way it had felt lately.** _

__

_**Sam shifted again, his hips lifting far enough off the bed for Dean to get a glimpse of something that could explain everything. Something he wasn’t sure he had seen.** _

__

_**He hesitated a second. Maybe his sick mind was inventing things now, making him see what he wanted to see. Sam’s hips lifting, showing Dean just how hard he could make him without even trying.** _

__

_**Either way he needed to know. Because if that was what was bothering Sam, it was his responsibility to fix things. He was twelve and he should know about this kind of thing by now, but Sam had always been different. So advanced in some ways and so dense in others.** _

__

_**Just the way he liked his Sammy. Innocent and different. That was the only way for his Sammy to be.** _

__

_**But Sam had been agitated lately, hardly letting Dean touch him or comfort him when he had nightmares. Dean was supposed to be the one running from his emotions and comfort, not Sam.** _

__

_**Something had been bothering him for a while now and he needed to know what it was. If it was about his body changing then Dean could work with that. Could reassure Sam that it was normal and he didn’t have to keep pushing him away.** _

__

_**Then again this probably wasn’t the best way to go about it. Which of course wasn’t enough to stop him, no matter how hard he fought it.** _

__

_**Dean slid his hand down Sam’s stomach, feeling his muscles bunch and his stomach dip at the warm touch of Dean’s hand on his bare skin. Sam’s breath hitched, urging Dean on. He was almost positive this was what was bothering Sam and if he was wrong, he was going to have some serious explaining to his twelve year old brother about why he was fondling him through his pjs.** _

__

_**Sam’s hips lifted as Dean’s hand moved lower, showing him exactly what he’d seen before. His brother’s hard on was straining against his pajama bottoms, his hips lifting involuntarily, seeking release.** _

__

_**He didn’t need to do anything else, he knew what was bothering Sam. But he couldn’t seem to stop himself, his hand moving lower still until his hand cupped Sam’s throbbing erection.** _

__

_**Sam gasped and jerked harder, rubbing himself back and forth against Dean’s hand. His head fell backward to rest on Dean’s shoulder, a small moan escaping his now parted lips.** _

__

_**Dean’s eyes locked on Sam’s mouth, his brother’s small pink tongue darting out to lick at his bottom lip. He bit back a groan as the images of his own tongue replacing Sam’s washed over him.** _

__

_**He shook his head hard. He had to stop thinking about that, about his baby brother that way. Sam didn’t know what he was doing. He was horny and he didn’t know what to do about it and Dean had just given him a way out. Of course he was letting Dean get him off.** _

__

_**“Sammy?” Dean asked, licking his lips.** _

__

_**Sam blushed furiously and ducked his head, jerking his hips back to the bed. God, he couldn’t believe this was happening to him. This was by far the worst night of his life. Dean would probably never speak to him again.** _

__

_**“I’m sorry!” he cried, quickly trying to explain himself. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I just-“** _

__

_**“It’s okay, Sammy,” Dean said stopping him mid freak out.** _

_**Sam’s head jerked up. “What?” he breathed.** _

__

_**Dean swallowed hard, wondering if he should rethink his next move. But the look on Sam’s face, the deep pink of his cheeks, and the shameful, puppy dog look he was giving Dean was just too much.** _

__

_**He gripped Sam’s hips and brought him back against his own straining erection, listening as his brother’s heavy breathing stopped all together.** _

__

_**“It happens sometimes, Sam. It’s okay.”** _

__

_**Sam’s hips lifted involuntarily and he found himself thrusting back against his brother before he could stop himself. When Dean had said it was okay, he meant that it was okay he’d gotten an erection. Not that he would do anything about it.** _

__

_**And he most definitely had not meant for Sam to do anything about his own erection. He’d only shown him so he wouldn’t feel so embarrassed and ashamed. That’s all it had been and Sam knew it, but he didn’t care.** _

__

_**Not right now.** _

__

_**“Sam, what are you doing?” Dean demanded.** _

_Since I begged for_

_Anything but now I want more ****_

__

_**“Please, Dean, please,” he moaned. “I can’t-“** _

__

_**He bit down hard to stop himself from finishing that sentence. He hadn’t meant to say it. He’d meant to apologize and move away from him. But he couldn’t stop himself. He’d wanted this from Dean for so long. And to know his brother was sitting behind him as hard as he was, was just too much for even his will power.** _

__

_**Dean’s hand slid down Sam’s stomach again and gently palmed him. Sam gasped and jerked. He hadn’t expected Dean to let him near him like this; he’d hardly expected him to touch him again.** _

__

_**“Dean?” he squeaked.** _

__

_**“I got you, Sammy,” he choked out, stilling Sam’s hips as they picked up their rhythm again.**_

 

That’s how the night had started. Innocent at first, well innocent as far as the other knew. Sam thinking Dean was helping him out of a twelve-year-old’s fumbling and Dean thinking Sam was only desperate for release, not for him.

 

_So lay me down_

_I'm lonely_

 

It never occurred to Sam that maybe Dean needed this as much as he did. That his brother was as lonely and lost as he felt when he couldn’t talk to Dean about something.

Sam had Dean, but who did Dean have?

 

If Dean had ever asked that question Sam would have answered “Me!” with enough force to knock Dean on his ass. But it just wasn’t the same for him. The way he was lonely was different than Sam’s.

 

But neither could know the other’s thoughts, or had the strength to ask and risk what little they did have. All they had was this.

 

That night and all the secrets that came with it.

 

_You don't understand me_

 

Then they’d had the talk. Where Sam didn’t understand Dean and Dean didn’t understand Sam. Where neither _could_ understand the other. Because this was sick and wrong, how could he want this? And how could he just walk away from this?

 

He hadn’t cried and Dean hadn’t caved. They’d each been as strong as they possibly could be.

 

_And you'd never even try to_

_Anyway ****_

__

_**Sitting there, watching Sammy’s body shaking violently with every sob had ripped him into pieces. He had done that to his baby brother, had turned his eager, stubborn brother into a sobbing child. But he couldn’t cave.** _

__

_**“Sam, Sammy, c’mon,” Dean said. “Would you just look at me?”** _

__

_**“Did I do something wrong?” Sam asked, his twelve year old mind, advanced as it was, could only think that he had made a mistake somewhere to drive his brother away. Otherwise, why would he turn him away?** _

__

_**“No, of course you didn’t! This is my fault, Sammy.”** _

__

_**“I thought you wanted this too.”** _

__

_**“I do, but I can’t do it anymore.”** _

__

_**“Why not?” he demanded, finally turning to look at him.** _

__

_**Dean sighed. “Don’t look at me like that. You know exactly why.” Sam wasn’t an idiot, he had to understand that this was wrong. That this could send him straight to hell. The both of them.** _

__

_**“So you don’t lov-“** _

__

_**“Sam, it’s not about that,” Dean cut him off angrily. Sam wasn’t fighting fair now and he knew that too. Playing on Dean’s weakness was low. ” You know that I love you, but this is wrong. You’re twelve and my brother. That alone should be enough to keep you far, far away from me.”** _

__

_**“I don’t care,” Sam insisted. “Don’t you think I know all that? You’ve always taken care of me, protected me. It’s not like I can forget you even if I wanted to.”** _

__

_**“It’s wrong Sam, and we can’t do it anymore.”** _

__

_**”Dean, please,” he pleaded with him. Couldn’t he see that this wasn’t so wrong?** _

__

_**“Sammy,” he warned. “No.”** _

__

_**He hated saying no to Sam, and rarely ever did, but now he had to. It was better for Sam in the end and one day Sam would realize that. Probably even thank him for not screwing him up any further. Or blame him for letting it ever happen.** _

__

_**“I thought you wanted this too,” he repeated desperately.** _

__

_****I hear you say_

_It's not the same ****_

__

_**Dean stared at him blankly, trying his best not to lose that look of indifference and fold for Sam like always. Because yeah, he did want this, but it wasn’t the same. He wanted this because he was sick and twisted. Sam wanted this because Dean had made him want this, had taken advantage of him.** _

__

_**“I’m sorry, Sammy.”** _

__

_**Sam shook his head, blinking back tears. He couldn’t mean it. He’d wanted this as badly as he did, he had to. The way he’d touched Sam that night had been proof enough.** _

__

_**If it had been anyone else Dean had been with he could have believed it, but it was him, it was Sam. He couldn’t do those things to him if he didn’t really care about him. He was crossing a very dangerous line for it to mean nothing; for him to be able to walk away from it.** _

__

_****I'm sorry_

_It's something I just can't explain_

_**But he could and he was, with an ‘I’m sorry’.** _

__

_**That was all he heard from Dean.** _

__

_**Ever.** _

__

_****_I’m sorry, Sammy. __

_He’d made himself Sam’s personal savior from the very beginning and if Sam did something wrong, something unnatural it was all on Dean. It could never be on Sam._

_Sam had accepted that with much resentment and distaste as his twelve year old body could hold, but he didn’t want to hear I’m sorry Sammy. Never, ever again._

_He had done this. Had pushed for this. Why couldn’t Dean see that?_

_Why did he have to cry and hold him as if he would break? Worse, why did he do this only when he thought Sam was asleep? Didn’t he trust in his brother enough to be honest with him?_

_He knew what this would do to Dean, had fucking known. And still he’d pushed. He’d pushed Dean so hard. Begging, whimpering, pleading._

_Dean could never say no to Sam._

_Well it was time for Sam to apologize to Dean. To for once be on the other end of that I’m sorry and that heart broken look._

_He’d wanted this. How many times did he have to say that before Dean understood him? What would it take for him to get it? He just didn’t know what else to do._

_He was selfish and cruel. Pushing Dean in every way. He should be apologizing, not Dean. His brother was never anything but good, even if he couldn’t see it._

_Sam had tried telling Dean that it was okay, that he had wanted it. Had always wanted his brother as twisted and sick as it was. But Dean didn’t want to hear it. He’d kissed Sam on the forehead and told him to go to sleep, dad would be home soon and they didn’t need to explain their awkward embrace._

_So shut your mouth_

_And hold me close_

 

The nightmare that had brought the two of them closer than ever and tore them apart had happened two weeks ago.

The talk had been a week and a half ago, if you could call it a talk.

 

And then had come the avoiding, the not talking, the not looking, and most definitely the not touching.

 

Until now.

 

Until tonight when the nightmares had become too much.

 

Sam sighed and nuzzled further into Dean’s neck. Dad had been gone for five days now and they hadn’t heard from him. But if Dean wasn’t worried, then Sam wasn’t worried.

 

Not about dad anyway.

 

Dean stroked Sam’s hair, his left arm wrapping around his waist and holding him tightly to his chest. He knew that his body was stiff and was probably more painful for Sammy than comforting, but he couldn’t relax. He was too afraid he’d lose control and hurt Sam like he had two 

weeks ago.

 

So he held him as best he could; trying to soothe him enough to at least get him back to sleep. This was the first nightmare Sam had had in those two weeks. As far as Dean knew anyway.

 

In reality Sam had been having nightmares more frequently since Dean had stopped sleeping with him, stopped touching him. He knew that his big brother was hurting and so he’d done everything in his power to hide the dreams from Dean and from dad.

 

But tonight he just couldn’t.

 

He’d tried so hard to, but he couldn’t. Tonight was bad. Bad enough that he hadn’t even realized Dean was there holding him for about the first ten minutes. He was shaking badly and damp with sweat. His brain refused to work past it’s normal functions and by the time he’d realized Dean was there, he’d missed the gentle kisses.

 

The gentle kisses and petting that always came after nightmares, especially the really bad ones. Like tonight’s. Dean had slid his hands all along Sam’s body as if making sure his baby brother was really there and in one piece. His full lips brushing against his own, then against his cheeks, his jaw, his forehead. Over and over, reassuring who more, Sam didn’t know.

 

Now Dean rocked him gently, whispering comforting words in his ear.

 

But God, Sam was sick of words. Sick of no words. No touch.

 

He was sick of _nothing_.

 

Sam just wanted Dean to shut up and feel.

 

He fisted one hand in the back of Dean’s shirt and the other clutched at the collar of his shirt. Sam knew that if he pushed for what he really wanted, skin on skin, Dean would pull back now and would leave for the rest of the night. Finding himself in some bar ready to hustle or fuck the next pretty girl he saw.

 

So for now he had to be content with the closeness of his brother.

 

_We both know_

_It’s better than being alone_

 

Dean slowed his rocking and lowered him back to the pillows. It was getting late and his will power was very quickly fading. The gentle nuzzles and the little fists clutching at his shirt were too much for him to have to fight.

 

Skinwalkers, harpies, demons…they were nothing compared to the fight he faced now.

 

The fight to keep his baby brother innocent and pure. He was only twelve years old and already Dean had ruined a part of him, touched his brother in ways he should never even dream about.

 

_Said things_ to Sammy he should never have said. God, he’d said such horrible things to him. So filthy he should have washed his own mouth out. But Sam had liked it, had moaned and whimpered and thrust more at his words. Those filthy words turning Sam into a mindless, speechless, writhing body underneath his skilled hands.

 

Fuck.

 

He was sick. Unbelievably demented.

 

He was _sixteen_ for fucks sake! The older _brother!_ How many times was he going to have to remind himself of that before he just stopped?

 

Dean had taken advantage of Sammy and his nightmare. Had let comfort turn into something much, much more. If dad hadn’t come home, stumbling in half drunk and reeking of alcohol and smoke, he didn’t know how far things would have gone. And that scared him. Because he’d had no intention of stopping.

 

He’d barely had enough sense to stop things when dad got home. He was in such a haze, his body burning everywhere Sammy touched and aching where he hadn’t. Dean had kissed Sammy down from his orgasm, wrapping the sweat and come slicked twelve year old in his arms and cuddling him close until he drifted to sleep.

 

For the first time since Sam was a baby, he’d cried. Cried because he’d ruined Sammy, some part of him he had made unclean. And it was all his fault. Poor, innocent Sammy who had just wanted to be held and kissed and comforted like always had instead found himself in the arms of a sick and horny older brother.

 

_I don't mind_

 

Sam was always chasing Dean for what he really needed. For all the things that Dean gave him, he never gave Sam himself. Not all of himself. He always held Sam at a distance, enough that after he’d come Dean could leave. It was all about Sam’s pleasure and never Dean’s.

 

_Killing time_

 

But Sam didn’t want it that way. He wanted his brother to feel the same things he felt, to for once walk away from this without a hard on. He slid his hand up Dean’s thigh, hoping that Dean wouldn’t pull away from his touch. They were here alone, dad was gone still; there was no reason for them to be apart.

 

There was never any reason for them to be apart.

 

_As long as I can't see it in your eyes_

 

Sam peeked up at Dean and relaxed a little at what he saw. It was okay like this, as long as Dean looked at him like that. His eyes clouded over with lust and desire; that pain and disgust gone now. He knew Dean felt it, but as long as he couldn’t see it in his eyes…he could pretend. 

 

_If wanting you's so wrong then I'm wrong_

 

He knew that everything about this was wrong. He’d admit it. He’d scream it from the roof and tell everyone they ever met, including dad, that he was fucking his older brother. Anything it would take to make Dean feel better 

about this.

 

_I'll admit it_

 

He didn’t have a problem admitting anything to himself, to Dean, or anyone else. They weren’t hurting anyone, they were protecting people and risking their lives and happiness. They could have this one thing, couldn’t they?

 

_Time after time you'll realize_

 

Sam sat up, pressing his mouth firmly to Dean’s.

 

“Sammy, no,” Dean said gently, pushing his brother back into the mattress and taking Sam’s hand in his. “Just sleep, Sammy. I’m here.”

 

He said that about as often as he said he was sorry. This was the standard issue response from him when things got too heavy for him. Sam sighed and pressed his face into the pillow. He couldn’t stand to look at Dean now. Not after he’d put himself out there like that.

 

He should have known that this was where he would end up. With Dean sitting on the bed and holding his hand like a child. Exactly where he didn’t want to be with Dean anymore.

 

_You don't mean it_

 

“It’s okay, Sammy,” Dean whispered, his lips pressed to Sam’s ear. “I know you don’t mean it. You’ll get over this and things will be okay, I promise.”

 

Sam froze. What was Dean talking about? Did he really think that Sam cold get over this so easily? Just forget what had and hadn’t happened between them since and go back to being the brothers they were two weeks ago.

 

Well he was wrong, because there was no getting over Dean. No moving on. He was completely in love with his older brother and it had taken Dean’s insecurities to show him that.

 

Now Sam was going to have to show Dean the same thing.


End file.
